Friday, January 9, 2009

Rolex - The Official Watch of "Life Savers" Everywhere! this press release came out just after the new year or so from Melrose Jewelers, an online Rolex wholesaler/retailer. I see the title "Rolex Watches Help with the Recovery of Owen Wilson" so I read it. I wish I had those few minutes of my life back.

I was (and still am) absolutely floored at the audacity of Melrose Jewelers for printing up such horse-shit! Or as one website called it - "The most serious case of "You've got to be fucking kidding me" marketing we've ever seen or heard." To save you the misfortune of reading it; it basically says that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson's recovery form an attempted suicide back in '08.

The timing of the piece clearly shows that Melrose Jewelers wanted to drum up a little extra Holiday business and we all know that all press is good press so...they decided to post this on their blog with a few pics of Owen Wilson wearing his Rolex Submariner about.

It is filled with blurbs like, "Whatever the hawks of the media choose to write, it is clear that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson's recovery. Back in good form, the actor is nothing less than a comic genius in a time when comedy is a necessity. Wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living. Once again, the precision and quality of a Rolex proves to be a lifesaver in more ways than one."

Ahem...Melrose Jewelers, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? So what you are saying is that luxury brand goods are life saving devices when all else in life seems grim? You should be ashamed of yourselves for posting and then releasing to the press after it made the rounds on the internet, a story that is pure and utter bullshit. This is a mans life that we are talking about. I am sure if Owen Wilson or anyone that has been in that situation before was asked, give up your precious Rolexes for a more stable and healthy way of life for yourself, those watches would be gone in seconds.

Look, who knows, maybe Wilson got a free watch out of it. Maybe the venerable Swiss watchmaker does have magical healing powers. Maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass when I get up from this chair.

But congratulations, it is only January 9th and you have won the Internet Asshat Award for the year, already. Wear it well.


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